His Surprise Grand Gesture Came As I Woke Up Next to Someone Else
When I first met Vladimir (obviously not his real name!), I was craving for a relationship.
To be honest, I had just written a letter to the Universe asking for someone ‘like him’, so when he showed up in my life, I was full of hopes and dreams that l immediately tagged on to him.
It didn’t take long though, for that relationship to feel like a new pair of shoes, one of those that look fabulous in the display, but only give you blisters — an infinite amount of them — when you wear them.
When I think back, it’s crazy how much I let that relationship consume me.
I was so obsessed by the vision of him — of Us — in my head that I was bending over backwards, convinced that if I gave it enough time, it would finally turn into the relationship I had dreamed of.
I tried to accommodate him in so many ways. I wanted to give him space to turn into that Prince Charming I had seen in him.
Meanwhile, I was making myself small, so small I couldn’t see or feel myself anymore. Just the blisters.
If you’ve ever been in a similar situation, you know how hard it is to quit even when your soul — and your friends — are begging you to stop.
“Maybe if I wait just a little more..”
“Maybe this time will be the right one”
I was too far in to quit.
And I wanted it to work.
I wanted to make all the tears worth it. I wanted to be able to tell the little voice inside of me “See! I was right!”.
It was like playing a video game trying to unlock that new “level” of our relationship. Surely I’d collect enough tokens to DING! DING! DING! be upgraded to that new level soon.
I didn’t want to give up.
But at the same time, I was ashamed.
How could a smart woman like me make herself so small just to be loved?
How could I write about and advocate for speaking up and standing for who you are when I was silencing myself out of my own will?
I felt like a fraud.
I was disappointed.
It’s interesting how in times like these, instead of giving ourselves what we need most, we turn our backs to ourselves.
Instead of giving myself the Love I’d been desperate to get from that man, I started beating myself up.
But time went by, and eventually, the blisters won. They always do.
What’s funny is what happened next.
Just when I thought I’d moved on, he showed up with a grand gesture.
I had recently met someone that I liked, and after weeks of back and forth, I decided to give it a try. We went on our first “official” date, and he ended up spending the night at my place. Sleeping. Because I wanted to take things slow.
I woke up in a blissful state and decided to go buy croissants while my beau was still asleep. I checked my unread messages on my way down the stairs and stopped dead in my tracks when I read Vlad’s.
He’d decided to surprise me by flying over and spending five days with me…just as I was ready to explore what that new relationship held for me.
The bad news is, Vlad was already on the plane when he announced his arrival. The good news is I had eight hours to digest the news and get ready.
Part of me was mad at him for his couldn’t-be-more-terrible timing, but part of me didn’t have the heart to send him back, knowing how much I’d wanted that moment to happen.
So there he came… And for the following days, we played lovebirds.
I showed him around, introduced him to my friends, took him to places. All things I’d been longing for, but didn’t feel good in reality.
All I could do was think of the other guy. How good we were together, and how he just felt like HOME to me. I couldn’t wait to be with him again…
However, when it was time to say goodbye and Vlad got in the taxi to the airport, my heart ached. Not because I was going to miss him, but because I realised this was over.
It had taken me five days, but I could finally say with certainty that I was over him. I actually already was before he came, but I didn’t WANT to be.
The part of me that had nurtured hopes and dreams of Us for so long wanted this to work. But it didn’t. The flame had long been put out and there was no rekindling it.
As that realisation struck me, so did a swarm of other feelings.
Sadness. Anger. Grief.
I was sad for myself, for the time I’d spent abandoning myself so he would choose me.
I was angry that if he’d made his decision to come visit even just a week before, things might have been different.
But he came too late.
And I was sad that he did. Because I knew how happy it would have made me if he’d shown up earlier.
I knew how over the moon I would have been. And I couldn’t help but wonder if that would have been the time when DING! DING! DING! our relationship would have hit that next level.
It probably wouldn’t have.
But as usual, my hopes and dreams were too thick for me to see reality through.
So there I lay on my bed, grieving a relationship that never was, finally free to look forward to the one that lay ahead of me…
Sometimes our experiences linger long after they’re over. We can only truly leave them behind until all the emotions, thoughts and feelings are fully acknowledged.
Writing about them is one of the best ways I’ve found so far. What is a story that you need to put behind you?
Want to submit one of your stories to My Boyfriend At The Time? Send an email to hello@annickina.com
